I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
