She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
