i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
