Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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