my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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