Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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