i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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