Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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