woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
