mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
