we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
