can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
