Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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