Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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