My underwear smells like fireworks.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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