I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
