I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
