Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
