i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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