Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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