Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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