I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
