Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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