I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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