i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
