Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
