3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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