@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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