Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
