I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
