I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
