I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
