You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
