he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
