I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
