At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
