I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
