So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
