I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
