I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
