i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
