life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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