and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
