I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
