I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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