my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
