i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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