New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
