He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Randomize
