i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
